


Salt

by MrsHamill



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Brain Damage, Episode Related, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-14
Updated: 2007-08-14
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:17:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6051306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What constitutes 'quality of life' and who decides?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Salt

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Yeah, okay, I can see how some might need warnings on this, but it's the kind of story where warnings will absolutely spoil it. So, go to the bottom notes at your own risk. (I _can_ say, though, that it's not a death story. If that helps.)
> 
> This is kind of a twisted tag to the episode _Tao of Rodney_ and owes a lot to Daniel Keyes and Elayna. Yes, I made both my betas (Susan and Celtic Tigress) cry over this -- bad terri, no biscuit. But I adamantly maintain it has a happy ending -- well, as happy as it could possibly be. Written WELL before _The Shrine_.

The sun came up with a laugh and he laughed with it. The little shards of warmth dripped over his arms and face, tickling him, making him squirm and giggle. The heat was salty-sweet, like a good morning, and he opened his mouth to taste it: nutmeg and vanilla. _She_ was being careful with him, he could feel the soft/hard wall between him and nothing and he leaned on it, still tasting the morning, laughing with the sun.

After a little while, he went back into the big room. He could hear his Jaa making the noises like he was waking up, so he crawled back into the bed and next to the other kind of warmth, the warmth of his Jaa. Cinnamon, warm cinnamon, and a morning voice like honey left out a bit too long. Sticky.

"Hey, Buddy. Is it morning already?" His Jaa ruffled the hair on the back of both their heads then  squeezed him. "Were you outside? You know you shouldn't do that without me."

He shrugged; he knew _She_ would always take care of him, but his Jaa sometimes had trouble remembering that. He couldn't remember the words to tell his Jaa that, though, just like he couldn't remember most words at all. Just feelings. And smells. And sometimes, a little sight.

His Jaa stretched and groaned. "Old bones," he said, like he said every morning. "Do you need a shower with me this morning?"

He didn't want one, so he pulled away, ducked his head. He didn't try to make a sound because his Jaa would go too salty when he did, salty and sharp, like cut grass.

"Well, okay, you can skip it, you're not too stinky. But we're going to need to do something about that face of yours, buddy."

He giggled and let his Jaa guide him into the small echo room, where everything was cold. He let his Jaa put him on the toilet and didn't have any problems going, so it was going to be a good day. On bad days, he would have to wear a big thing on his bottom, because he wouldn't be able to tell when he needed to go and when he didn't. On good days, he could remember things, some things, like his name and the name of a little white mouse -- he remembered it was an A something. Maybe an L something. Letters were a bit beyond him, now, but he remembered remembering them.

His Jaa started the water running and went into the little place to wash. Sometimes, his Jaa would do something that tasted like salt, but not the salt of the wind. Part of him knew what was happening, part of him felt sad about what his Jaa was missing. But it always faded away, like the small, broken pieces of his memory.

* * *

John was working out with Teyla when Radek's frantic voice shouted over the PA. "Medical team to lab E420B! Emergency!"

They were on the east pier in the big gymnasium and John was pretty sure Rodney was working in that lab too. Before he knew what he was doing, he was down the hall, headed for the transporter, Teyla hot on his heels. They beat the med team -- Rodney was down, Simpson and Esposito and a couple of other scientists were huddled into a corner, their eyes wide, some of them crying. Radek was on the floor next to Rodney, calling his name, trying to get his pulse at his carotid.

Radek looked up as John and Teyla skidded into the room. "He's not breathing!" he cried as John fell next to Rodney. 

"What happened?" John asked, also feeling for a pulse. He bent and put his ear to Rodney's mouth, listening for a breath.

Before he could do anything, Teyla said, "John. He is rigid, his eyes...!"

"Yes, it is seizure, I think, he..."

"I can't find a pulse! Teyla?"

John began to breathe into Rodney's mouth, willing him to respond, even as Teyla began chest compressions, counting the beat out. Before they could do more than three sets, a med team thundered into the room, led by Dr. Cole. "What happened?"

Teyla moved aside for them but John couldn't, didn't want to. He listened to Radek describe Rodney's complaints of headaches, dizziness; how his eyes rolled up into his head and he went rigid before collapsing.

Cole had him bagged and prepped for an IV even as one of her techs continued the chest compressions. She got Rodney on a stretcher and out the door faster than John would have believed possible. John, Radek and Teyla followed closely behind, racing to keep up as they flashed through transporters and hallways.

Carson met them at the door. "Get him on the monitor," Carson barked, helping the team move Rodney from the gurney to a bed. As soon as Rodney was on the heart monitor, they heard a rapid but steady beeping. "We've got a pulse," Carson said, putting his stethoscope in his ears, listening to Rodney's chest. John sagged in relief. "It's thready and weak. I want four hundred milligrams of topiramate in his line, stat. Get him prepped for scanning, please."

John tuned out much of the next fifteen minutes, concentrating on the rise and fall of Rodney's chest as Carson and his team worked. Elizabeth and Ronon joined them sometime in the middle of it, all of them gently pushed to the 'public' side of the infirmary so Carson and his staff could work.

"He had a seizure?" Elizabeth asked quietly. Rodney was still unconscious.

"Yeah," John said, letting Radek fill in the rest of it. He paced, wearing a groove in the infirmary floor waiting for Carson to come and tell them what the problem was, why Rodney had collapsed in the first place.

It was closer to an hour before Carson finally broke away, wearily walking to them. "He's stable," were his first words. "It was a seizure, a bad one. It's going to take us a while to determine exactly how much more... damage has occurred."

"More damage?" Elizabeth asked, echoing the words in John's head.

"Aye." Carson scrubbed his face with his hands. He tried to speak a couple of times, tried and failed, before managing to get the words out. "This... wasn't exactly unexpected. I've been seeing him for..."

"What?" John didn't realize he'd almost shouted the word until everyone turned to him and Teyla put a soothing hand on his arm. "What do you mean this wasn't...?"

The look Carson gave him was a horrible combination of guilt and sadness. "We need to have a sit down to talk about this. Rodney wanted to put it off as long as possible, but I think his reprieve is at an end."

* * *

After washing, his Jaa used the funny, purring machine on both of their faces. He remembered how to dress and his Jaa helped him with his shoes.

"Well, Buddy, you're ready to go. To the mess hall for breakfast?"

He pulled in on himself. There would be too many people there, people who didn't like him. People who were sharp or smushy.

"Oh, c'mon now, don't do that." His Jaa's voice was soft but his arms were tight and soothing. "It's still pretty early. And Teyla will be there. Ronon too, probably." 

He shook his head, hard. 

"Listen. I know you don't like too many people, but the Daedalus came in last night, and I bet there's real bacon. Maybe even real maple syrup."

He sighed. Somewhere inside him, he knew his Jaa was just trying to help. And _She_ was there too, confirming what his Jaa said, that there would be good food. _She_ liked to take care of him too. With another sigh, he nodded.

"There you go! I can hear your tummy rumbling from here."

His Jaa always made sure to keep a hand or arm on him, around him, whenever they were walking anywhere out of the big room. It felt good. But he didn't really need his Jaa's help, because _She_ was constantly murmuring in his ear, telling him where to go, what to be careful of. He felt like that little white mouse, sometimes, running in the crazy box. He used to know what white was. Everything was blue, now, when he could see it at all, blue and dim and cold, unless it was red and sharp, like pepper. But it was mostly black now, because the blue was fading along with the rest of the colors of his life.

He hoped he could continue to remember colors. They were nice.

* * *

Rodney was propped up in a too-small infirmary bed when John finally got a chance to see him privately. He looked terrible, worse than when he was almost dead the last time... "You're going to have to stop doing this kind of shit," John muttered, even though it wasn't what he meant to say. "My heart can't take it."

"Sorry," Rodney murmured. He opened his eyes and John shivered. "How about I stop doing it when you stop needling me about Doranda?" John closed his eyes and fought to keep from screaming or crying or throwing something. After a few moments, Rodney continued. "Now, y'see, here is where you say, well, McKay, that's not--"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Rodney pursed his lips together and didn't look directly at John. He took a couple of shallow breaths before being able to speak -- that alone frightened John more than anything. Rodney without words? "Oh... I don't know. Plausible deniability? Not wanting to deal with it or think about it?"

Even though he didn't want them to escape, the words fell out of his mouth anyway; an inevitable rupture. "Is this why you left? Why you haven't come back? Why you've been avoiding me and why you won't even _talk_ about it?" And wasn't _that_ a kicker, John wanting to discuss feelings. He felt he should alert the media or something.

Rodney didn't answer, which was an answer in and of itself. John just stood there, hurting and trying to keep from panicking. "Rodney?" His voice sounded weird to his ears.

With a tiny in-drawn breath, Rodney whispered, "I didn't want to worry you."

"Jesus, McKay." John turned and walked away for a few steps, then stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Even _I_ know that's not what you're supposed to do when you're in a relationship," he muttered. After a few minutes and a few deep breaths, he turned back. "There's got to be something we can do." He said it and was overcome with bitterness, because that was what he was _supposed_ to say and after hearing Carson talk, he knew it might not be possible. Wasn't going to be possible.

The sigh from Rodney confirmed it. "You'd think. And it was cool while it lasted, well, up until the whole die-or-ascend thing at the end. I mean, yeah, medicine equals voodoo, but Carson's a pretty damn good witchdoctor and he says--"

"I know what he said," John interrupted roughly. "Damage to the brain before the machine reversed the effects of the... whatever the hell it was. There's got to be a way around it. The damn machine gave it to you, it can take it away. Make it better."

Rodney closed his eyes again. "I don't... I mean, we'll keep looking, but..."

"We'll find it."

"It's _organic_ ," Rodney whispered. "It's whole big chunks of the grey matter becoming unusable, dying. Not even the Tok'Ra--"

"We'll _find_ it, McKay!" 

Rodney looked at him like he was the last piece of chocolate in the universe and John had to look away. They would find it. They would figure it out. Somehow.

Somehow.

* * *

The place with warm and wonderful smells was crowded, salty with people. He pushed his way deeper into his Jaa's arms, trying to hide. "It's okay, buddy," his Jaa whispered. "You know everybody here. And look -- I mean, Teyla and Ronon are here and Zoya is on the line, waiting for you. Let's see what she's got picked out for you."

She was a bright, sharp person, bright like the sun and she should have been hard but somehow she wasn't. Her voice was rough but kind, too. She always gave him the things he loved to eat, even if he couldn't finish them sometimes. His Jaa said his tummy was too empty not to fill, but even things that tasted as good as they smelled turned to ash in his mouth, sometimes. His Jaa could sometimes tease him into eating more, but not always.

A warm smell of cinnamon and nutmeg and something else; his Tay. "Good morning," she said. Her voice was like warm maple syrup, just like what he could smell in front of him. "Come join Ronon and myself while John gets your tray," she said, wrapping one arm around his shoulders. He leaned into her and she began to sing, softly, wordlessly. She could always sing the fear away.

He could taste his Oh before anything; he was big and strong and warm and caring and scary, all at once. He smelled of fighting sometimes, of leather always, but underneath it all there was love. His Tay could sing and so could his Oh, but in a different way. 

_She_ told him where to sit and so he did, still leaning into his Tay. She ran her fingers through his hair and made him feel sleepy and good. But then there was his Jaa, putting things in front of him, things that smelled good. 

"There you go, buddy," his Jaa said. "Your pancakes are all cut up and just drowning in syrup and butter. Heart attack on a plate, just like you like it."

He laughed even as his Tay put a fork into his hand and guided him to feel the wonderful smells and tastes. He could still use the fork because he could feel how heavy it was and could smell how close it was getting. Sometimes, he got a little on his face and his Oh would tease him and try to wipe it away. He couldn't say he sometimes did that just to feel his Oh's gentle fingers on his face.

* * *

Rodney showed up at his door at three in the morning. "Did I wake you up?" He looked like shit.

"No and what the hell are you doing out of the infirm--"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't stay there any more and I didn't want to go home. Can I come in?" Rodney leaned heavily on the door frame and it looked like the only thing capable of holding him up. "There's nothing he can do and he's... he's..."

"Get in here before you fall down." John helped him into the room. "You should be--"

"Guilty." Rodney all but fell on the bed and gave John a look that was all bruised eyes and lines of despair. "He looks guilty. He wants to fix me and he knows he can't and it's tearing him up inside." John pulled his desk chair out and sat on it backwards, facing Rodney, listening to Rodney's raw voice, trying to stay calm and focused. "It doesn't matter what I do, what he does, he can't fix it."

"He'll fix it, McKay," John insisted, wondering who he was trying to convince. Wondering why he was beginning to sound like a broken record. Wondering why he was feeling so panicked.  "There has to be a way. Those fucking Ancients started this, there has to be a way to stop it."

After a long moment, Rodney whispered, "What if there isn't?"

John had to bite back a shout; it was the whole 'I'm going to die, will you read my eulogy?' thing and he couldn't take it, not again, not so soon. "There will be a way to fix it," he gritted out. "We've still got time."

"I'm already... forgetting. Things. Words. Letters, even. It's all going away." John closed his eyes and tried to keep from crying. "I was trying to count the... the... things. On the roof. No, the... the..."

"The ceiling tiles," John murmured, remembering Rodney say that from long ago, how to fight boredom when lying on a bed in the infirmary. John felt split open, doused in amorphous sadness and anger. He wanted to hit something, to shoot something -- his standard response for unsolvable situations.

"Yeah. Them. I couldn't remember what came past... after, after..." 

John sighed and rested his forehead on the chair back. He couldn't do this. Rodney was going to destroy him and he just couldn't...

"I keep thinking I'll be like my great-grandfather, who couldn't remember his own name and drooled and... and... John... I'm so, I'm so..." Rodney murmured, and the only thing John could think was that it was the first time Rodney had ever called him by his name. Not even during their one intimate encounter -- okay, the one and maybe only time they'd fucked -- did Rodney call him John. Why now? "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I'm..." Rodney's eyes were big and dark and terrified. "I'm scared," he breathed, the words stuttering as if he were trying to censor them but couldn't. "I've never been so scared in my life, not even the Wraith, I don't know if I..."

John abruptly stood, pushing the chair out of the way, pushing so hard it fell over. He sat heavily on the bed next to Rodney and pulled him into a rough embrace. Rodney went with it, burying his face in John's shoulder, his own shaking. "Comfort," he whispered. "That's the word. Isn't it? Feels good. You smell good." Finally he pulled back just enough to see John's face. "Let me stay here tonight? I know I don't deserve it, after leaving when you--"

"Shut up." John's bed was small and narrow but there was enough room for them if John held Rodney tightly. He remembered that, remembered waking up to a cold bed and Rodney gone. They hadn't talked about it, mentioned it, explained it, and it was as much John's fault as Rodney's for not pushing. He should have pushed. He should have done a lot of things.

John let them fall carefully sideways until they were arranged to his satisfaction, spooned together tightly, under the thin blanket of his bed. John buried his nose in Rodney's soft hair and murmured, "Try to sleep. We'll fix it, I know we can fix it. There has to be something in the database, somewhere..."

Rodney sighed but didn't pull away. John held him tightly, not saying anything, trying to lend support skin-to-skin. Well, okay, sweats-to-scrubs, but the thought was there. It wasn't as good as skin, though, and his own skin remembered feeling Rodney's. He'd long held a secret desire to have Rodney in his bed and when it finally happened, he'd figured it was the only time, the last time. He'd figured Rodney'd had some kind of heterosexual freak-out and had told himself to give the guy some space, when what he really wanted was to do it again. Forever.

He should have pushed. He should have found a way past his stupid emotional block and just _pushed_. John always had been a screw-up when it came to relationships, just like his ex-wife had said. He'd messed up again and this time, it was going to cost him everything.

"What do you think is going to happen to me after?" Rodney whispered. John thought he'd fallen asleep.

"What do you mean?"

"I..." John could feel Rodney swallow hard. "After. Once I'm... when I can't do--"

"Nothing is going to happen," John said, his voice hard with fear. 

"Don't. Please." 

"Rodney, I can't!" John's arms tightened around Rodney, trying to hide his trembling. "I don't want to think about it right now, don't want to talk..."

"I have to! Before I can't any more!" Rodney was shaking. "I don't want to end up back on Earth, in a... a... room, a cold room all alone... I..."

"Christ," John muttered. He turned them until he could see Rodney's face. "Please," he begged. "I can't, Rodney I just can't..." Incapable of saying more, John leaned down and kissed Rodney, as carefully and gently as he knew how. "I can't," he whispered, looking into Rodney's eyes. He knew he should, knew Rodney needed his help, but he was abjectly petrified. If Rodney was scared -- and well within his rights to be so -- John was an order of magnitude past that, well into paralysis territory. A man of action, of deeds, knowing there was _nothing_ he could do...

Rodney's eyes were confused, hurt and panicked. "Please. Please be here for me. Please. I don't know what's going to happen and I'm so..." Rodney trailed off and John pressed their foreheads together.

After a moment of just breathing, John felt under control enough to say, "I'll take care of you. I will, no matter what. I swear it, Rodney." His voice was low and rough and he had no idea where the words had come from, but as soon as he said them he knew it was right. Everyone on Atlantis, including himself, owed their lives to Rodney in one way or another. It was time to pay that debt back.

"Don't promise what you can't--"

"I will." He opened his eyes to find Rodney's filled with tears and that, more than anything else, scared him the most. Rodney never cried. Neither did John. It wasn't what men did, not even when they were terrified.

* * *

Coffee and wood, old socks. "Good morning."

"'Morning, Radek," his Jaa said. His Tay said the same. A part of him knew who it was, but there was sadness there, mixed in with the other smells, a sadness he didn't want to remember.

"Is today a good day?" 

"Very good," his Jaa said. "As long as he keeps eating, that is. C'mon, buddy, there's more in front of you."

"The staff meeting has been called for ten o'clock." He felt his Tay stiffen, smelled the sharp, bitter   anxiety and he frowned. She relaxed and soothed him immediately. "Barbara and Katie have devised another plant game for him, all soft plants and completely edible. I thought it might help to keep him busy while we all... talk."

"Um..." His Jaa sounded hesitant and angry, at least he thought it was angry.

"I'll stay with him," his Oh said in his funny, rumbling voice. "He doesn't need to be at the meeting."

"I agree," his Tay said. She ran her fingers through his hair again. "Have a little more, please," she encouraged him. He let her push his laden fork into his mouth but nothing tasted good anymore. It tasted like bitterness, like frustration, though he didn't really remember understanding the words.

His Jaa sighed. "I guess it's okay. You're right, he doesn't need to be there. I don't think it's going to be pretty."

"Have you heard anything from the SGC?"

"Nothing yet. Elizabeth..." His Jaa stopped speaking and he could taste the anger and feel the frustration. "She still..."

"Wait until we have the SGC report. I believe Caldwell is bringing it. Elizabeth is not Atlantis and you have the support of nearly every resident."

He felt his Tay nod and he leaned a little more on her shoulder. He was feeling sleepy after eating. "Just one more bite," she urged him in a soft voice. He let her put something in his mouth and he swallowed. Ashes, bitter ashes. 

Other voices came and went, washed over him. He didn't understand most of what they said, so he tuned it out and instead concentrated on his Tay's voice, crooning in his ear.

* * *

Every day Rodney lost a little more ground, a little more knowledge. Every day John woke him gently, usually with a kiss. Every day John had to hide his reaction at how much longer it took Rodney to recognize him, to remember his name. Every day they worried that another seizure might hit and every day Carson saw him for tests and scans and endless, useless, procedures. He was on so many medications he said he felt like a walking pharmacy and none of them helped, because he kept having stronger and more intense blackouts. And after each one, they found he'd lost more.  
   
If Rodney lost a little every day, then so did John. He was facing an enemy he couldn't fight, couldn't negotiate with, and it was killing him by inches. He'd been on a short fuse with everyone except Rodney for what felt like forever and knew it wasn't doing him or anyone else any good. He was incapable of controlling it, though, as he watched Rodney deteriorate before his helpless eyes. He began relying on Lorne more than ever, grateful that his 2IC understood the situation and was available to help. He took himself off the roster of 'gate missions in order to just concentrate on Rodney but it didn't help. Nothing he did helped and his impotent rage, like a chained monster, continued to rattle and growl in the basement of his brain.

John had looked for and found larger quarters, one with a bigger bed, and had consolidated both his and Rodney's rooms into one. He didn't give a shit about fraternization, about complaints, about homophobia, and made it plain that as long as Rodney continued to deteriorate, they would live together. Teyla and Ronon showed their solidarity by requesting adjacent quarters so they could be nearby should Rodney or John need help.

Carson was all for it, pleased that Rodney would have a guardian even at night. Radek and the other members of the science teams treated it as a fait accompli and simply accepted it without comment. There had been some rumblings among the military contingent, but as word of what was happening to Rodney got out, even that had dried up. Evan Lorne made it clear that anyone who had a problem with it was free to request a transfer with the next visit of the Daedalus. A handful of Marines quietly requested the transfer but the rest fell in behind the scientists. Rodney was a massive pain in the ass but no one knew Atlantis better than he did. Those in the city on permanent rotation knew that and kept their prejudices to themselves.

In fact, the only problem came from an unexpected source -- Elizabeth.

The meeting she called ended up being for her, John, Carson and Radek. As soon as he sat down John realized what she was doing. "Why isn't Rodney here?" he demanded. 

She gave him a level stare. "Because this meeting is about him and I see no reason to add to his stress. Radek has been acting as head of the section; he can speak from that perspective."

John glanced at Radek who was staring at Elizabeth through narrowed eyes. "I see no reason why I should, since Rodney has not been relieved of duties," Radek said. His voice was level and even.

"You know that's just a formality. I know who's been carrying the brunt of the load, Radek." Elizabeth was wearing her best 'I'm an impartial person who is in charge of you so listen up' face. 

Radek just sat there, silent, for a long moment. "Does this mean you are formally relieving Rodney of his duties?" he finally asked.

Elizabeth frowned and pursed her lips, leaning forward. "That is part of the reason for my calling this meeting. Carson has been updating me on his condition and a decision needs to be made. It seems obvious to me that he's unable to continue to function in his capacity as head of science. Carson?"

Carson looked extremely uncomfortable and unhappy. "The damage to Rodney's brain was extensive, caused by a series of seizures and mini-strokes that are continuing to occur. I've tried every drug I have access to on him, but it seems to do no good." He sighed and rubbed his eyes. 

"What would you say about his current state, Carson?" Elizabeth's voice was gentle but John still bristled, an automatic response. "Is he mentally and physically able to carry out his duties?"

"No." Carson sighed heavily and looked down. "Most of the time he is cognizant of where he is and what he's doing, but the seizures... he could have one at any time."

"I see." Elizabeth studied her hands, clasped before her and resting on the conference table. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What is his eventual prognosis?"

This was going to be the part John hated, he knew it. Because he'd _talked_ with Carson about this and he _knew_...

"The situation is somewhat like Alzheimer's or Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis -- his brain is degenerating, basically destroying itself. In Rodney's case, the higher functions have been the first to go but eventually..." John wanted to put his hands over his ears and deny the words, wanted to get up and find a time machine to take him back in time so he could beat some sense into those fucking idiot Ancients...

"How long?" Elizabeth asked quietly.

"I don't know." Carson's head came up and he met her gaze. "His progression is atypical."

"Atypical?" Radek asked before John could.

Carson looked almost as frustrated as sad. "There are times when he regresses, when he almost seems to make up some of what he's lost. It doesn't make a lot of sense and it's not due to anything I'm giving him. And in the next event, he loses what little he's gained." He shook his head. "I wish I could be more certain."

"I understand." Elizabeth bit her lower lip and didn't look at any of them directly. "A decision has to be made here, and I think we know what it is. Radek, please take over Rodney's office, officially. I will write a memo to that effect as soon as we're done here. I will also have to--"

"Temporarily." Elizabeth blinked at John's interruption. "It's just temporary."

"John--"

"We're still looking for an answer. There has to be one. That damned machine--"

"Colonel Sheppard." Elizabeth's hard voice cut through John's words. Once she had his attention, she turned to the others. "Radek, Carson, thank you for your input, but could you leave us alone, please? Radek, I will make sure to run the memo by you before issuing it."

Carson looked like he wanted to object, but he didn't. He and Radek stood and left the conference room without any further words. Elizabeth turned back to John.

"It's not just temporary, John."

"Yes, it is!" John clenched his hands into fists to hide the shaking. "We'll find a way to reverse it."

Elizabeth sighed and closed her eyes briefly. "John, I have to think about everyone on this base. I'm responsible for everyone and I can't let--"

"Don't you fucking quote regs at me, Dr. Weir," John snarled. The monster he kept chained up inside him began growling. "Rodney's as much your friend as your subordinate and I will _not_ \--"

"I know that!" Elizabeth's voice was starting to gain volume. "Don't you think it's killing me to see him like this? John, it's going to--"

"NO it's NOT!" John roared and realized it actually felt _good_ to let a little of the beast out.

Elizabeth sat back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest. She did nothing but look at him for close to a minute while John sat and fought with his temper and his frustration. When she finally spoke again, it was in a soft voice. "Rodney _is_ my friend, John, just like you are. But I can't look at this through a lens of friendship. I answer to the SGC, to the IOA, and I can't let one person dictate the safety of this base. And no, I don't think you understand that, because I think you're a little too close to the situation." John turned his head to glare at the table, afraid he'd say something to permanently alienate her. "John, he can't go on missions. He can't perform his duties as chief of science. If we're attacked, he could not defend himself and would become a liability."

"He's staying on Atlantis," John growled, hating her for making so much sense.

"That's not for you to decide, John."

"Like hell it's not."

"It's _not_. It's not even up to me, though my recommendation is he be returned to Earth for treatment. I think he could get better care there--"

Finally under sufficient control, John was able to raise his head enough to look Elizabeth in the eyes as he spoke. "I swore to him I'd take care of him. I promised him he would stay here, on Atlantis."

"And how are you going to care for him when you're on missions?"

"Every person in the science division, nearly three-quarters of the grunts, all of them have volunteered to care for Rodney if I can't. Teyla and Ronon, Carson, Radek, all of them." Everyone but Elizabeth. He stared at her, trying to keep it to a stare and not a glare. He felt so unstable and that, as much as everything else, scared him. "And if you think about it, sending the head of military out with the head of science on what could be dangerous missions is boneheaded anyway."

She smiled sadly. "We've been through this conversation, John. From opposite sides, three years ago."

"Elizabeth, I can't--"

"If the IOA and the SGC decides he needs to be back on Earth, then he's going back to Earth. Do you plan on quitting in order to follow him? What about his sister?"

"Jeannie already knows the whole situation and supports me," John said and took savage pleasure in Elizabeth's surprise. "She has plans to come back out soon." Soon, because it might be too late to do later. "And yes, I'll leave the military if I have to. But he's staying here, Elizabeth. He _has_ to. Don't take Atlantis away from him." He swallowed hard, making sure his pride went down as well. He needed her on his side and wasn't sure he could talk her into it. "Please let him stay," he finished, in a whisper.

"John..." Elizabeth looked like she was about to cry and John realized he was just about at that point too.

* * *

_She_ told him it was time to leave when his Jaa stood. "C'mon, buddy, we've got a date with some pretty plants."

He wanted to stay with his Jaa, with his Tay. But his Oh ruffled his hair and rumbled for him to come on, so he went. _She_ told him all about herself on the way, _She_ showed him how everything was working. It was all golden and warm, comfortable. There were other people but no one smelled salty, no one tasted unfriendly.

The largest room, where all the sunlight came to play, even at night, was warm too, warm and happy. _She_ showed him how all the growing things were growing well. He could taste many different scents in the largest room, and only a few people. But those who were there were also good-smelling. There was dirt and his fingers remembered what it was like to smell dirt between them.

His Oh must have picked something because he was teasing him with it, tickling. He laughed and his Oh laughed too, all calm and warm honey. There were two other people in the largest room, and part of him knew who they were but knew they were sad, salty sad. They had soft voices and gentle touches and his Jaa said, "Okay, Buddy, Ronon is going to stay with you here but I have to... go someplace. You can stay here and play with Katie and Barbara. Okay?"

He didn't want his Jaa to leave and his hand reached out for reassurance. His Jaa took his hand and kissed it, warm and salty. "It'll be okay, Buddy. I'll be back soon and Ronon is staying with you. Enjoy yourself." With another kiss, this time to his cheek, his Jaa left.

He hated it when his Jaa left, but he knew, somewhere deep inside himself, that it was necessary at times. There were parts of him that struggled to remember things, like what quarks were, like what color the sky was, like the little white mouse's name. Then one of the other people handed him something that was soft and smooth and smelled wonderful.

"Do you smell it? It's a rose and hibiscus petals. And here's an orchid -- go on, you can taste it." 

_She_ told him it was safe, so he touched it to his lips -- it was soft and smooth and almost tickly. He laughed as he licked it.

Salt, salty wetness and the one near him whispered, "Oh, Rodney."

* * *

"You know, it's worst that I... block, I had to block... thoughts, you know, people before listen in... listen to, listen to yours." Rodney's lips had a funny twist to them as he studied the ceiling of their bedroom. His words were coming slower and slower. "I could... you know listen, and we... soon..."

John had developed a knack for knowing what Rodney was saying and this time, there wasn't anything else to say -- yeah, they'd wasted so much time dancing around each other. Maybe if they'd paid attention more, they would have had more time together. So instead of talking, John just leaned over and kissed those crooked lips, gently but firmly enough to let his actions speak for him.

When he pulled back, Rodney's eyes were bright and his lips were quivering but at least he could actually look at John as he spoke. "You timing so bad. In system... no, universe."

"That's what my ex-wife always said," John replied, his voice husky, his heart aching. 

"Right." John kissed Rodney again, making it as sweet and meaningful as he could, and Rodney kissed him back, almost desperately. Whenever they could, whenever Rodney was cogent, was _there_ , they had sex. Made love. As often as possible. Words had always been a home, a defense for Rodney and now that they were vanishing, he was beginning to have sharper and more frequent panic attacks. Being around John -- or Teyla or Ronon -- seemed to help, so one of them tried to stay with him as much as possible. John and Ronon were trying to teach him to talk without words, because Rodney struggling to find the right words broke all their hearts.

John had managed to come to a sort of reluctant peace with himself over Rodney's continued deterioration. Teyla had told him to look at each day, at each _hour_ Rodney still lived in, as a gift to be cherished. Ronan had counseled him to live in the moment, to let the future take care of itself. And he tried, he tried damned hard. But he still woke in the middle of the night, panicked and soaked in sweat, reaching for Rodney, making sure he was still there, still alive. Still John's.

He didn't know what he would do when the morning came with no Rodney, so he practiced not thinking about it.

John and Rodney were eating on their big bed, having just watched a movie, and were still sticky and sweaty from having sex. John could tell Rodney was trying to get something out and so he encouraged him, looking directly at him. Kate had said, try not to help him, he needs to find the right word on his own, and he will. Don't help him unless he specifically asks for it. "Somes... times," Rodney said, his breathing a little fast, "I... feel... hear? Feel... voices. Words."

John frowned. "From where?"

"I think..." He turned to look at John. "Can be... it... city? Atlantis? Have ever, no, you, no, me, hear... just... heard some thing. Whisper... no, murmur...? Not... real?"

Frowning, John thought back, glad to let the puzzle shove his fears aside. "Hear something that's not clear? Like in the back of your mind?" Rodney nodded gratefully. "Hmm." He thought back. "Actually... sometimes when I sleep, I remember I used to think it was just me..."

"Yes! Sleep!" Rodney nodded vigorously. "Like... soft, some things, voices? I her, I it's think her..."

"The city?" John tried to puzzle out what Rodney was saying. "Atlantis?" Actually, when he was in the command chair... "When I've been sitting on the command chair, interfacing with the city's AI, it almost seems like words wash over me. Nothing clearly recognizable, but still, it's there." Still frowning, turning the words over in his brain, he finished, "Is that what you mean?"

Rodney was still nodding, his face happy and excited. "Her. She. City. Think yes."

Wow. "Wow. That's something different. Is it more, now? Than it was?"

"Yes! Taste...no..." He shook his head, grimacing. "Touch. Inside?"

John blinked, wondering what Carson would say, wondering how to test it. Maybe the city _was_ trying to help Rodney. If so, that would be wonderful and even more reason why Rodney had to stay in Atlantis.

As if his just being alive wasn't enough reason.

* * *

The room felt crowded, even though just the section heads were in attendance. John, Radek and Carson sat across from Elizabeth and Caldwell; Evan sat to Caldwell's right and Teyla to Elizabeth's left. Dr. Biro and Dr. Heightmeyer were also in attendance along with Dr. Parrish. There was no preamble, no niceties -- everyone knew why they were there.

"Dr. Biro and Dr. Heightmeyer are here with Dr. Beckett as experts on Rodney's disability," Elizabeth said and John was glad she didn't try to beat around the bush. "Col. Caldwell needs to be brought up to speed and is representing the SGC and the IOA. Carson?"

Carson cleared his throat. "Rodney has had no seizures or any other event for seven and a half days now, the longest period since this whole mess began." Carson sighed. "He remains aphasic and synesthetic and is functionally blind. However, he seems to have reached a plateau and has not worsened in at least a week."

"Has he made any progress toward regaining what he's lost?" Caldwell said, leaning forward with a frown.

"No, unfortunately." Carson looked down at his laptop. "Not in any way that can be measured. There have been some... odd things that have happened, though, and his scans show activity in parts of his  brain that should be dead or dying. John feels it may be his connection with Atlantis itself."

"Yes, I'd like a little elaboration on that," Caldwell said. His voice was as neutral as his face as he turned to John. "I understand there was a recent incident?"

"Rodney saved our lives," John said, trying hard not to snap.

"Yes, we do believe that to be so," Radek said hard on the heels of John's words. "Two members of the science staff were cataloging a disused lab and accidentally activated a machine emitting a most peculiar form of radiation." Radek rubbed his eyes under his glasses before continuing. "It is hard to believe but the radiation emitted caused explosive growths inside them. Rodney was able to warn us about it before the growths reached full size and detonated."

" _Detonated?_ " Caldwell asked, incredulous.

"Just another lovely present from those fun-loving Ancients," John muttered. 

Caldwell sat back in his chair, frowning at the new data. Elizabeth had been all but biting her lip to keep from speaking -- at least that's what John inferred. When she spoke, her voice was calm but soft. 

"Rodney is not a danger to himself or anyone on Atlantis, not actively at any rate. However, I still feel he should be back on Earth, where he could get better care."

"He gets the best care he can right here," John growled.

"Elizabeth has a point, John," Kate said. She gave him an apologetic smile. "Rodney's case is unique and we don't know how long this reprieve might last. If he takes a turn for the worse here, I'm not sure we could do anything about it."

"And by inference, nobody on Earth could either! At least here he's _home_ , he's with the people he loves, the people who care for him." John consciously relaxed his hands, which were clenched into fists.

"If I may?" Radek said, raising a finger and cutting Elizabeth's retort off. "Carson and I have determined that Rodney's current stable condition may actually be because of the city's connection to him."

John perked up, as did everyone else at the table. "You didn't--"

"We're still not certain," Carson said, giving John an apologetic glance. "But that may be the case."

"If it's the city keeping him from getting worse, does that mean he'll get better?" Elizabeth demanded and in her, John suddenly saw his own fears about Rodney. He'd been a dick to her because he thought she wasn't thinking about Rodney the way he was -- but maybe he'd been wrong. Things had just been so bad lately and he really needed something, anything, going right.

"There is no way to tell," Radek sighed. "Perhaps in time, with more tests, we will know better. But we are firm in our belief it is better to keep Rodney here than to ship him back to Earth." He said the last while looking directly at Elizabeth. She stared back while taking a deep breath. 

As she blew it out, she nodded slightly. "All of this, of course, is moot if the SGC or the IOA overrule us."

Every head in the room turned towards Caldwell. John felt like holding his breath because Elizabeth was right, the SGC held the axe and if it came down, he didn't know what he'd do. Well, besides stay with Rodney. He'd promised, and he would keep that promise one way or another.

"All of this happened shortly after the Daedalus left the last time," Caldwell said, his opening salvo. His voice was slow and measured. "Dr. Weir's reports on Dr. McKay's degeneration were being debated as my ship reached Earth. I was given access to those arguments as it was presumed I would be the person to deliver the final decision."

John couldn't think; he felt frozen in place, waiting.

"Further intel here on his condition does nothing to change the decision which was made. A decision, I must emphasize, that excludes the IOA." Elizabeth must have made a soft noise because Caldwell turned to her. "Dr. McKay is on the payroll of Stargate Command and the SGC has claimed jurisdiction on the outcome of his case. The fact that Lt. Col. Sheppard holds Dr. McKay's durable power of attorney as well as his medical proxy was taken into account as was his sister's agreement with Col. Sheppard on Dr. McKay's current status."

Caldwell looked across the table at John. "The decision made by the SGC can be summed up by what Gen. O'Neill said about the case -- and I quote: 'as long as the poor bastard doesn't present any security or other overt risk, let him stay. It's not like we don't owe him at least that much.'"

* * *

The sun was up, he could feel the heat of it on one side of him while his other was warm from being next to his Jaa. He could taste the light and he sighed, happy.

"G'morning, sleepy," he heard his Jaa say. "I thought you were going to sleep all day. Today's the day, buddy, Jeannie's coming. I bet you're going to be so excited."

He let the words flow over him without trying to puzzle out their meaning. It was too hard to try and why should he, when he had his Jaa and his city and the sun... the only things he'd ever really need.

end

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a riff from _Flowers for Algernon_ (by Daniel Keyes) in that Rodney's acceleration to super-genius comes with a significant price tag, one that neither he nor John want to pay -- permanent brain damage.


End file.
